I Have to Let Go
by misswhiteblack
Summary: If I could I would tear the heavens and earths just to have you back beside me ... She knew letting go would be hard to do. R


_Dear brother,_

_I'm looking around and it just your type of evening. The sun is set low in the sky and the red glow has turned the clouds pink and orange. The blue line of sky is set so far up that I can barely see it and the moon is already beginning to appear. The sun I slowly sinking throwing me into more and more darkness as I write. Merlin, I wish you were here. So much has happened since you left._

_Kerr has grown up so much. She just started school. It felt so weird to take her to get school books and her wand. I thought maybe we would all do that together, all of us. I didn't send her to Hogwarts but I've put in the next best place … Dunthworpe. I know the Headmaster there. He's Dougal's wife's grandfather. He's nice and kindly accepted Kerr even knowing who she is. Harry will probably have got his books and wand from Diagon Alley. He might be on the train to Hogwarts at this very moment considering it's the first of September. I took Kerr to the dock today. Remember learning about Bubblepods? I finally got to see one. They are the transport to the isle of Dunthworpe. I wished so much that you had been there to see it. Kerr was so nervous but at least I was there to say goodbye even if he wasn't. I can't even bring myself to write his name._

_I'm sorry if this is a bit smudged but I just can't stop crying. I knew this letter would be so hard to write but I never imagine just how hard it would be. Now Kerr has gone to Dunthworpe I'm on my own. I never thought I would have to face this world alone but it seems that is what I am doing. I never thought we would fall apart, I never thought I would ever be without you. Do you remember that time you fell down that well and it took me hours to get you out? Do you remember our first journey to Hogwarts? Do you remember how upset you were when I was put in Ravenclaw? I do. I remember everything and it makes you miss you all the more._

_I wrote this letter to say I am sorry. I'm sorry that I ran away. I'm sorry that I broke my promise to you. I feel so weak right now knowing that have ran away from everything I have ever known. I just didn't know what to do. I knew the truth but they wouldn't listen to me, even Remus wouldn't listen to me and it hurt me so badly. I didn't want Kerr to be hurt in the same way. The Ministry are still trying to find me but I will never let them. I don't want to find out where I am. I'm living in a muggle village and I hope they never find me because I will never give up Kerr. I will never give her up as long a there is a breath in my body. They tried to take her from me just like they took away Harry and I won't let them. I have broken my promise to you but I won't break my promise to Sirius. I will keep our baby girl safe even if it kills me._

_Oh, my brother, I'm smudging the letter as I write because I can't stop my tears. I miss you so much and my heart tears knowing that you can't be here with me. I feel as though I am standing on a precipice and you are calling for me to join you down there but Kerr is staking me to the ground, stopping me from falling. I want you to be here so much, I want us to laugh as we once did and I want us be together again. Yet I know that it will be a long time before I get my wish, a long time before I see your face again. All the faces that I miss Sirius, Remus, Emmeline, Hesita, my family, Lily but mostly yours, my brother. Everyone of my childhood memories has you in it and there is nothing about me that you don't know. I want you to be here with me._

_I knew this would be hard to write. I feel almost slightly crazy writing it but maybe that's because I'm writing it to a dead person. I want to try and let you go with this letter as though it's my final goodbye but even as I write all my memories come flooding back to me and I know that I will never want to finish this letter because once it is done then it will be over. I will have to let you go with the final word. I hope you know that I love you and if I could I would tear the heavens and earths just to have you back beside me because I miss you so much. You held me together after my father's death, you gave me away at my wedding, you held me close when I lost my mother and you always had faith in me. I may have four blood brothers one of them my twin but you are my closest brother. I love you with all my heart and I wish so much that you were back here with me. _

_I have to end this letter but the quill just keeps on going. The sky is darkening and the moon is growing brighter. It's a full moon, the ones that you love, big and yellow, a harvest moon. There is only a slight breeze and it isn't all that cold. The marble seat I'm sitting on is freezing me and I wish that it wasn't a letter I was writing to you. I wish you were here and we were just talking. Talking about the future like we use to. Do you remember all the silly things we said we would do when we were older? Like living as muggles for a week? Or transform ourselves into muggle superheroes and pretend to save the world? Or apply to teach at Hogwarts? We'll never get to play all the pranks we had thought up but never managed to play. We'll never do things that we wanted to do as kids. You'll never see Harry grow up to be the man that you were and neither will I. God, James, I miss you so much but now I'll have to let go. I'm so sorry this I how things worked out, my brother. I miss a lot of things in life but I miss you, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Emmeline and Hesita the most. I miss you all and I wish you were back with once more._

_Your always loving "sister",_

_Serena Rosa White Black_

"_Rena some old doddering fool made ME Head Boy."_

_I'll always remember_


End file.
